Monday, 11 March 2013
After a few months! Yes I finally updated this blog. For the past three months, since the start of the year, my life has changed so abruptly. Last year my life was soooooo different and my way of thinking is waaaay worse than what I am right now. Before, I curse a lot, I hate my life, I’m so bitter in my past, I’m a pessimistic, I’m always depressed, always insecure, so lonely, and it’s like all the negative vibes of the universe was inside me. But now, WOW I can’t actually believe myself. All those bad things I mentioned, well all of them changed. I can finally say that I’ve changed. For the better. It’s like I’ve been born again. I love my life! I love everything around me! I know someone loves me! I’m not easily discouraged anymore! To summarize it all, I love living life! I was lost and insecure, but I am found! I am saved! :D
I never really expected to be like this. I was so close-minded before that I didn’t believe that anyone can save me, can save me from this black hole that I was in. I believed it was ridiculous, all those stuff that others were saying that this particular person can make me happy and love life. But during those 3 months, I met a lot of inspiring persons that led me to who I am right now. And I thank them for being the catalysts in changing me. They helped me get closer to Him and get to know Him more. I joined various churches, biblical studies, and engaged in conversations about the bible. And I realized it’s really exciting to know more about Him. :)
Yes HIM. God. Our Almighty Father. He is the One who saved me. And I’m veryy veryyyyyy grateful to Him. I know my life will never be enough to thank Him for all the things He did to me but I’ll swear I’ll serve Him with all my life.
And now ever since I repented all my sins, asked for His forgiveness and accepted Jesus Christ as my savior, EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. COMPLETELY. ENTIRELY. MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED. QUICKLY. I had a change of heart. He made me different, much better than my old self. He strengthens me. Whenever I’m experiencing trials and problems in life, He is always there for me, guiding me and strengthening me. He inspires me to live! To love life! And to love the people around me. Because of Him I get to understand a lot of things about life. And He never forgets to remind me that He loves me. And that’s enough for me. My Father loves me! And it is so gratifying!
I’m planning on changing the name of my blog. I’m not d*** dead inside. HAHAHAHA not anymore. I’m alive! And happy! And blessed! But I still have to think of a cool name. Weeew~
So my life’s pretty good, so far. I have couple of friends, best friends of course. But I really have this one girl that I spent almost all the time with and we are what you call “bestfriends”. So yeah we know almost all about each other, our good sides as well as the bad ones. And it’s just okay. We’re used to our bad attitudes already. But there’s this bad attitude of hers that I really wanted to point out to her. At first I just handled it well since it was the first time it happened. But then it just keeps on repeating again and again. And this time, I can’t stand it any longer. I so badly want to say this bad attitude of hers but I’m afraid to say so for she might well, get angry at me and not speak to me for ages(whenever she’s angry at me she doesn’t talk to me until I myself will talk to her first, talking about pride).
So here’s the thing. She frequently asks for my help in her computer programming subject, which I have already taken a semester before. I’m sort of an excellent student in that subject. I agreed, of course. I want to help her. She sends me her programming assignments and ask me to help her. I bet you’ll think there is nothing wrong with that. But the problem is, she asks for my help when there’s already a few hours left before the deadline(the programming assignment is a one-week worth assignment). And I’m like, WHAT THE FUCK?! SO DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BE ABLE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR SHITTY ASSIGNMENT IN JUST A FEW FUCKING HOURS?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO THE 6 DAYS THAT HAVE PASSED?! Oh I forgot, you were so busy watching that korean series that you already watched ages ago. I know you think of me as sort of an expert in this kinds of things but I can’t do it within just a few hours. Programming takes time you know. Lucky for you, you don’t have to think for the solution for I AM ALWAYS THE ONE WHO PROVIDES YOU WITH THE ANSWER. BULLSHIT. You keep on saying that you’re so freaking confused you don’t understand the question or you don’t what you’re doing anymore so that you can leave all your worries away and throw it at me. I ALWAYS DO THE FUCKING WORK. The words used in the problem are just so fucking simple, but why can’t you understand?! Ghad, you don’t know how much I love to kill right now. And what’s worse is, since she gave me the problem just a few hours before the deadline, she always, yes always, unable to reach the deadline. AND SHE FUCKING BLAMES ME FOR IT. She would then say, “Oh you’re always like that! You don’t really want to help me in the first place that’s why!”. Screw you. You just keep on blaming me into things that is not really my fault in the first place. I’m over this. I don’t want to think about this anymore. It just lessens my self esteem and self-confidence everytime I think about this. It’s as if I’m really the one to blame. Screw this. Screw this life. My life’s not pretty good, actually.
I was actually kinda thankful for him posting that on my wall. So that the other “him” could see that, if ever, if only ever, he stopped by my profile. Ha. Eat that. Goes to show I’m better off w/out you. I’m slowly moving on you know. And I’ve been doing great! And I’m so fucking happy. Never been this happier. You asshole, bastard, douchebag, jerk, whatever you call your self. I think your teacher is right. YOU’RE A BULLSHIT. GO TO HELL. You don’t deserve me. With your freaking lies and all. Psh, screw you. I don’t really care about you anymore. You’re a worthless piece of shit in my life. I don’t need someone like you who’s full of lies and broken promises and lot of decietful words. Nobody need someone like you. And I really, sincerely, absolutely, completely, hopefully, wishfully hope that you’ll read this (which is absolutely near impossible). But still, I really hope so that you will know how much I hate you, whoops, or should I say, LOATHE you. HAHA! :D
YOU LEFT ME HANGING. Yes, you did. I never thought you’d do it but you fucking did. I feel like a fool, I feel like I was just being played. You never even told me the reason why you suddenly went so cold to me. One day we were so freaking happy we’re already puking rainbows and then the next day, BAAM, everything changed. We’re back to strangers, again. You started to ignore me, making me feel like you didn’t know me at all. What happened? Why are you doing this to me? I want to ask you that. But I can’t. I can’t even look at you how much more talk to you? I don’t know what happened or what I did to make you ignore me. What went wrong? Where did I go wrong? So many questions with no answers. I guess I’m only left with questions. But it hurts, not knowing the real reason why I was abandoned. I trusted you, confide to you my fears, dreams, hopes - you were my best friend. All the love that we had, seemed to be just a, lie? Yes, sad to say, this is the end. It has been just a summer fling for you, after all.
After what happened, I felt rage, anger and hate crawling inside me. I even thought of killing you. For a long period of time, I’m thinking and plotting ways on how to kill you. Should I stab you a million times? Or maybe throw you in the ocean. Wait, maybe let you run over by an 18-wheeler truck is much better. Or I could just torture you until you die. I really can’t forgive you for what you did to me. How can you? You made me believe all that you said was true! Hell, you did your job very well. The stupid, idiotic, foolish, innocent me, after warning myself not to believe everything you said, in the end believed the promises you said you will never break. Screw you dude! Go to hell with your lies and broken promises. You deceived me. You fooled me for what I thought was love.
It’s been two months since you left me, and I’m trying my best to move on and be happy with my life. No one ever said moving on is easy, especially when I really loved you so much. I wish there were other ways to forget you aside from moving on. I guess the solution to this intense pain I’m feeling is by forgetting you. And maybe forgiving. But it will take ages to forgive you. It’s not that easy to forgive someone who destroyed your trust.
But it’s hard. Reaaally hard. Forgetting all the times we spent together. The long walks, the laughters, the late night texts, the midnight meet-ups and conversations, the fun, the memories. It’s very hard to forget. But what can I do? It’s the only way.
I still see you at school, oftentimes. And I’m trying really hard to avoid you, and I guess I was kinda good in doing it. And I checked your profile on Facebook too, just to see if you’re doing well (I’m still a good person you know). I see that you’re happy with someone else now. And I see she’s an artist just like you. Making her artworks your cover photos. Good. Good for you. Just please don’t break her heart, will you? And as for me, I’m keeping up with life, I’m starting to move on, keeping myself busy at all times just so I could not think of you. I’m also thinking that there is still more to this world than just you. I just thought you were already the one. My last one. I guess I’m still a teenager who makes mistakes. However, in a way, I would like to say thank you to you. Thank you for making me feel loved even for just a short time. It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, right? But I deserve someone better, I knew that. I just have to wait for him.
“Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel you rain.”
It’s been almost 5 months since that day he introduced me to his friends. And everything is so different now. Everything has changed. We’re becoming more comfortable with each other - the awkwardness that creeped in at first started to crawl out of us slowly. And its good. Really good. Being close friends and all. Heavy laughters, silly jokes, random stories and more memories that we’re making everytime we’re together. I’m having absolute fun with him all the time. But the problem is, I don’t know where all of this leads to. I mean, where will this take us? I know how he feels for me, and his knowing mine. But is this all that we’ll ever gonna be? Is this it? Just friends? I know. Entering into a whole different stage - leveling up our friendship will change our lives. It takes a lot of work and effort to balance everything in our lives. And I know its gonna be a difficult thing to do. Will I ever endure it? Will WE ever survive it? For the sake of love?
They say love conquers all. But will this love, our love the one to conquer everything?
I want this love.
I want this to be the one.
I want this to be the only one in my life forever.
Please make this last.
Let us make this last. Forever. Can we?
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